Acron: A Love Letter to Commons Food

Dear Commons food,

 

You are the light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Your questionable tastes and difficulty in balancing the right amount of saltiness always keeps me on my toes. The complete lack of seasoning or overpowering punch of salt in each bite is all too common for Commons (ba dum tss 🥁). I cannot think of any other eatery able to produce mashed potatoes with a texture so canny to Elmer’s Glue, undoubtedly a tremendous feat to accomplish. Perhaps your most redeeming quality is your close proximity to and great number of bathrooms in case of any emergencies after consuming the Taco Tuesday selection or the interesting interpretations of Indian cuisine.

 

Thank you for the individual grains of undercooked rice that get stuck in between my molars. My dentist and I are incredibly grateful for the constant reminder to floss. Thank you for teaching us all that appearance of food does not equate to the quality of its taste whatsoever. As a vegetarian, I luckily do not have any personal experiences with meat dishes from Commons. On the other hand, I am appreciative of the countless horror stories of unimaginable saltiness or questionable meat I have heard throughout this past school year. You truly make for some hilarious and never-ending entertainment.

 

 GRAPHIC COURTESY OF DIANA KARAMOURTOPOLOUS

 

In regards to your suspicious combinations that no one asked for such as taco mac and cheese, it is quite apparent that you have an active imagination, to say the least. As someone of Italian descent, I have a fiery admiration for your flavorless and watered down marinara sauce to go with the fresh boxed pasta and soggy noodles. The cultural sensitivity you exude on a daily basis is unmatched, especially when your pork dishes are under the Halal specific section.

 

Where else can I find such a wide array of pizza that is simultaneously burnt and cold? Where else can I eat seemingly roasted vegetables and be surprised to find that they are close to a freezing temperature? Where else can a vegetarian struggle to find something to eat besides watery soup, salad or some form of potato? The answer to these questions is nowhere. You are truly one of a kind Commons, and have maintained an indescribable status before this letter declaring my heartfelt love for you.

 

Lil Gramcracker ⚡️🥑 is the Official Acron Food Critic and a freshman with a passion for culinary critique.

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March 13, 2020

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