Acron: Water Sports in Tipple Pond

March 30, 2019

Due to the continued effects of climate change in the Forest Tipple Pond has become a constant facility outside the library. Newly hired Athletic Director Ranger Bear has decided to take advantage of the newly established facility and form new men’s and women’s water sports teams. This winter you can catch the new water polo, rowing, sailing, and floating teams live in action in their new home Tipple Pond. Ranger Bear has hired the groundhog who takes up residence most of the year in Tipple Pond as the head coach for all these teams.


Men’s and women’s water polo have joined the Collegiate Water Polo Association and look to use their admissions connections on the west coast to snatch prized recruits from the powerhouse programs up and down the west coast. Tipple Pond will play host powerhouse programs USC, Stanford, UCLA and California all of which compromise the top four in both men’s and women’s water polo national rankings. Early season predictions have many of the Ranger athletes drowning in a pile of work that will anchor them down throughout the semester as they miss the beginning of their courses.


Drew’s co-ed sailing and rowing teams have been granted access to NCAA Division I Rowing and the Inter-Collegiate Sailing Association respectively. They will face off against the world-renowned Ivy League sailing and rowing programs. It is well known that the Ivies lack athletic success across all their programs with the exception of their sailing and rowing teams. Of course, this is due to them buying their way to the top because their wealthy students were raised in boats. New Jersey’s now legal sports betting books in Atlantic City have the Drew sailing and rowing teams treading water as they adapt to their new sports, but picking up speed as the Ivies’ boats sink to the bottom of Tipple Pond in national disgrace.


Rounding out the new varsity sports on campus Drew will have a floating team. Captain of the team Kassel Franco Garibay says  “the goal of the team is competitive relaxation”, she is seeking out equally as lazy people to fill the 69 roster spots. The sport of floating compromises laying on your back on the water with a nice pair of shades on  and a mind free of thinking.                                                                            Courtesy of PEAROLINE                                              


Ranger Bear hopes to see the entire student body bundled up this winter on the sidelines of Tipple Pond to cheer on the newest Rangers’ athletic teams in the Forest.


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